Bed Legs

Image result for bed legsImage result for bed legs

Quite a few years ago Keane recorded the song ‘Bed Shaped.’

According to the composer  Tim Rice-Oxley  the song is about feeling that you’ve been “left behind” by an old friend or lover, and about hoping that you’ll be reunited one day so that you can live out the end of your lives together the way you started them (…) a hope that they’ll eventually want to get away from the bright lights and come back home. it’s a sad and angry song, but also full of hope.

He said, ‘I think I’m right in saying that in hospital when someone is ill and has to spend a lot of time in bed they can become ‘bedshaped’. It sounds a bit depressing (…) but in the context of the song I wanted to suggest old age and frailty.’ (thanks Wiki)

Personally, I love the concept of being Bed-Shaped. Coffin shaped could also easily applied to those prone to lying down a lot. Of course, there’s bed heads, but has anyone ever considered being bed legged?

I have, purely because I am bed legged – I do have them! My 10 year old daughter has longer legs than me! She’s Maddie Long Legs and I’m Daddy Bed legs. Attach some castors to the ends of my limbs, cover me with a duvet and voila – a perfectly acceptable billet. Add two perfectly nobbled knees and you have an article and artifact of style and fashion.

Image result for knobbly knees

Having bed legs is not all that bad. Up until I stopped playing rugby about ten years ago, I had calves, quads and gluts to die for – even if I say so myself. My wife reckoned it was my calves that attracted her to me in the first place (something for everyone I guess).

Ben Pakulski and Friends Show off Impressive Calf Development

Nb: None of these guys are me. 

Unfortunately over developed calves often lead themselves to injury and in the the last few years of playing rugby, calf injuries were common, once even completely blowing a calf during a game with the associated ‘pop’ (more like a gun shot) being heard from 30 metres away. A wobbly bed indeed.

As I’ve aged my shapely bed legs have become more stump like, no longer am I styled like a chaise lounge, no, alas, I am now like a divan, perfectly functional, but a fashion free zone. Still having a long torso does mean I carry my weight well and look deceptively less weighty.

Buying clothes off rack is problematic. Not once have I ever been able to purchase pants that don’t require taking up. Never, have I been able to wear long shorts as they automatically become short longs.Wearing dress shorts and socks result in a 1 inch window of knee exposure. A sliver of skin contained within a frame of cotton and polyester.

On formal occasions I have been known to adorn a kilt and this is where having bed legs really come into their own. Stumpy short legs suddenly becoming sturdy supports for a tartan full of opportunity.


As I grow older, as my skin loosens and muscles fade, one things for sure, and that is that, like it or lump it,I will always have bed legs. At 52, you would have thought i would have gotten over it.

“It is very queer, but not the less true, that people are generally quite as vain, or even more so, of their deficiencies than of their available gifts.”

Nathaniel Hawthorne

Nathaniel Hawthorne, The House of the Seven Gables

Kia Ora Roly

One thought on “Bed Legs

  1. Nice kilt! 😀But eeeeekkkk to those freakishly muscled workout fanatics. I don’t care how someone’s insides look. To me that is like a muscle anatomy class covered in skin. Sexy? NOT. The kilt? 👍🏻


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