I’d run out of Daivobet and I needed to get it sorted.
Summer was coming and I wanted to look my best down at the beach. No scabby scales for me, just a wobbly splodgey tummy and splotchy pink skin sprouting patches of thick pig like hairs.
It took me weeks to get everything together and when I did, I drove straight down to my local Church.
‘I think I’ve got everything we need,’ I said to the Pastor.
‘I’ve had to compromise a bit. Wasn’t sure what Hyssop was so I’ve brought along some Italian Herbs, hopefully they’ll do the job?
Now,…the crimson stuff, I wasn’t sure what that was, or how much I should bring; so I’ve brought along a few crimson things. You can decide on what’s appropriate. Personally, be good though if I can get my wife’s bikini bottoms back – she doesn’t know I’ve pinched them, and she looks pretty hot in them down the beach, if you know what I mean.
Here’s the oil and cedar wood,’ I added, passing them across to the Pastor.
He looked at me strangely.
I wondered whether he was pissed because I hadn’t brought everything in.
‘Oh, I’ve got the lambs in the ute in the carpark, and I’ve brought a pig and a couple of dogs as well, just in case. You just tell me when you need them. I tell you what, that grumpy old bastard at pet shop over the road refused to sell me 2 budgies when he found out that one of them was going to be killed; so I had to catch a couple of pigeons. What a fucking performance that was, feathers and shit everywhere, oops sorry Pastor, forgot where I was. They’re in the Ute too!’
Now with the water; I’m thinking that we could use your tap in the kitchen. Hopefully that’s okay, after all I guess it’s close to being holy water coming from a Church Kitchen and all.
We ready to go then?’
The Pastor still had a funny look on his face, he scratched his head. Ever so slowly he started to smile.
‘Are you on day release from the Unit?’ He asked in a soft calming voice before stepping away.
‘Hell no, I shot back,’ I’m here to get my psoriasis fixed. I know you guys are experts about these things, do you have time to do it now?’
Ancient Jewish oral tradition dictates that I don’t deserve to be alive; that I should be dead. And the reasons I need to be outcast into the desert and left for dead is that I am poor and afflicted with Psoriasis. That’s what you get for being an unclean sexually perverted deviant. And the fact that I have patches of psoriasis on both elbows must mean I’m doubly perverted.
Now all you readers can stop sniggering about my fate right now, because if you’re poor, blind, or childless then we’re all in the same boat. A boat full of poor sexually depraved people with impaired vision and skin conditions. Bloody good trip I reckon! Who needs the Titanic?
The Roman Catholic Church has played a big part in my life. My family, my upbringing, my education, all playing their part in teaching me about Christ and the ultimate uniting force of the universe – God. However, I gave up Catholicism many moons ago, and these days I would consider myself a very reluctant Christian. However, that does not stop me from living my life trying my utmost best to adhere to Christian values. So, for all intents and purposes, I am a Christian – but just don’t do the Christian God thingy! I believe in a supreme being, but in my view, generations of pompous (not Pious) fat Italian cross dressing men with vested interests have warped the true meaning of Christianity and our view of God.
Pope Leo – Fernando Botero
When I did call myself a Christian, I was a New Testament man! A renaissance man, a man of forgiveness, of hope and faith. Faith, in that I believed there was a man called Jesus, faith in that he was a leader, a teacher and freedom fighter. Faith in the fact that was crucified, faith in that many of the events in the New Testament actually did happen and much of the teachings Jesus gave were real, deep and meaningful. For all these things I have no doubt.
Son of God? Ergh not sure about that one sorry.
When I called myself a Christian I always struggled with the Old Testament. I appreciate that the first 5 books of it form part of the Torah and I understand that the Quran regards the Old Testament as a valid and authentic spiritual record. Me, well I think its all make believe fantasy, jelly beans and bullshit.
And you see this, and what I do with my ‘willy’ are the reasons why I have psoriasis! This week Bishop Brian Tamaki of the Destiny Church reminded me of that.
Image source – Wiki
Bishop Tamaki is a prominent Christian leader and advocate of the gospel. He has appeared on all major Prime Time News and Current Affairs broadcasts and tabloids defending and upholding the faith and traditional Christian values. He is a man of Christ, a man of love, a smart man who clearly understands the will of a loving and forgiving God. He has built his Destiny Church on the following beliefs:
- We believe there is one living God, the God of creation, who exists eternally in the three persons: The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
- We believe in the deity of our Lord Jesus Christ, that He is the Son of God. We believe in His virgin birth, His sinless life, His miracles, His vicarious and atoning death, His bodily resurrection, His ascension to the right hand of the Father, His second coming and eventual eternal kingdom.
- We believe in the Divine inspiration and authority of the Bible. It is the Word of God.
- We believe in the spiritually lost condition of mankind and the need for every man to repent and be born again of the spirit, which is essential to enter the Kingdom of God.
- We believe in the sacraments of baptism by immersion in water, and the Lord’s Supper – communion.
- We believe in the person, ministry and baptism of the Holy Spirit, with signs following.
- We believe in the resurrection of the saved and the lost, one to everlasting life and the other to everlasting damnation.
- We believe the church is the body of Christ and His corporate expression of Christ on the earth, and represents the manifold wisdom of God.
- He is the head. The church comprises of all people who have been saved and born of the Spirit. The church is God’s only hope for the human race.
- We believe it is the believer’s privilege and responsibility to bring the tithe and offerings in to the local church.
While mainstream churches would never dare to wallow in the murky waters of the Old Testament, Bishop Brian has no problem immersing himself and extolling and validating it’s teachings. He sprays it’s teaching the way a shower head does water without a curtain – all over the bloody place! Like most fire and brimstone preachers Leviticus is one of his favorites, his go to. There is certainly some profound stuff in there and I encourage every reader to give it a crack (not).
It’s from Leviticus that I learnt my sexual depravity caused my psoriasis, and that as a result, I deserved to die (Leviticus 12 thru 14). It’s just amazing and incredible that a book written by a legendary (but not historical) figure called Moses, circa 1400 BC (but collated in Persia 500 years before Christ) knows more than modern medical science about the causes of psoriasis. It certainly has nothing to do with my arthritis, or that it can be traced through the generations of my paternal lineage.
Leviticus even knows what causes the earth to spew up thereby creating earthquakes. Its amazing! Honestly why would anyone want to waste their life and time studying seismology?
Please, please please check this out – go on – its under 2 minutes long.
Subsequent to this sermon:
Brian Tamaki has defended saying that gays, sinners and murders are responsible for earthquakes, saying he actually meant anybody indulging in illicit sexual behaviour, adultery, child abuse and more.
“It’s about adultery, morality, it’s about any type of extra-sexual behaviour,” Tamaki has told Willie Jackson in an interview on RadioLive.
Tamaki has refused to apologise to anyone and said he did plenty of good in the community and should not be judged as a monster.
He blamed the media for not giving him a right of reply, despite turning down the Herald earlier when he was asked to defend the Sunday morning sermon.
Tamaki said since news of his sermon broke he and his family had received death threats and threats to burn down Destiny Church.
He said it was important for people to remember this was God’s view, not his.
Source NZ Herald
What I think
Well Brian I would like to quote some scripture at you too. And once again this comes from Leviticus.
- Brian you need a haircut
Letting your hair become unkempt (Leviticus 10:6)
“You will die” and God will be angry at everyone!
Then Moses said to Aaron and his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, “Do not let your hair become unkempt and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the LORD will be angry with the whole community. But your relatives, all the Israelites, may mourn for those the LORD has destroyed by fire.
2) Leviticus 35-37
If any of your fellow Israelites become poor and are unable to support themselves among you, help them as you would a foreigner and stranger, so they can continue to live among you. Do not take interest or any profit from them, but fear your God, so that they may continue to live among you. You must not lend them money at interest or sell them food at a profit.
Destiny Church demands more than tithe, former members say
By Heather McCracken
4:00 AM Sunday Mar 7, 2010
Former Destiny Church members claim families are pressured to give “love offerings” and other cash donations above the expected 10 per cent tithe. The claim comes as TV3 confirms it has sold broadcast time to the church – funded by Destiny’s new “Give It Heaps” campaign which asks families to give $2000 over seven months.
The church came under scrutiny last week after the walkout of Brisbane pastor Andrew Stock and a number of his members. Replacement pastors were sent across the Tasman to take over the church and church leader Brian Tamaki said that members who did not give money were “robbing” God.
Former Destiny Taranaki member Randolph Pratt said members came under pressure to contribute to the fundraising drives above their 10 per cent tithe.
“There’s a lot of people in Destiny Church in low-income families,” he said.
“There are good things happening in Destiny, but just taking money from people all the time is wrong. There’s just no need for it.”
Pratt said he expected “a lot of flak” from Destiny members for speaking out: “I don’t care because it’s the truth, and it’s got to come out.”
“It’s the tithing and offerings that are paying the buildings off, and then they’re paying rent on top of that,” he said.
Another former member said they were told they would be “blessed by God” for giving their pastor extra “love offerings” – a cash donation given directly to the pastor.
In a statement, Destiny Church said Give it Heaps aimed to raise $3 million for the Destiny School in Auckland. It would also pay for producing and screening the TV programme.
“What members decide to contribute towards this goal and how they wish to contribute is purely their choice.”
In a statement, Destiny said “honorariums” received by pastors were at the discretion of the local church.
TV3 has defended its decision to allow Destiny to buy a 30-minute segment on Wednesday mornings at 6am.
Spokesman Roger Beaumont said the critical coverage of Destiny Church by current affairs show Campbell Live had no impact on the network’s commercial decisions.
Herald on Sunday
For all the people of Kaikoura and surrounds, for all the victims of Natural Disasters throughout the world (and there are millions of people suffering), I urge you to judge this clown as he has judged you!
Brian, are you a homophobic bigot exploiting people’s faith and bank accounts? Are someone who likes to hide behind obscure scripture from 3,500 years ago? Or, are you just another in a long line of pompous (not Pious) rich, well dressed men with vested interests who have warped the true meaning of Christianity and our view of God?
There, I told you I wasn’t much of a Christian!
I wrote a similar post last year. If interested please check out the following link.
Kia Ora Roly.