R18: It’s just not insults that get thrown in NZ

A woman hurled a sex toy at Steven Joyce, shouting "that's for raping our sovereignty".

Why throw mud, fish or even shoes at a high ranking politician when you can throw a dildo?

In NZ we like to  do things a bit differently.

I remember a blow up sheep being hurled at Queen Elizabeth during one of her official visits. The lusty plastic Artiodactyla harmlessly floating away as the gusty wind caught its gaping anus; well before Queen Elizabeth could even wonder what it might have been, or what it might be used for.


I don’t think Kiwi’s are crude or sexually depraved. I don’t think we are bawdy or lewd, but I do think we like to have a laugh and thankfully we live in an open society in which we are encouraged to express ourselves.

The above incident is proof of this. The perpetrator of this incident was a woman protesting against NZ’s involvement in the TPPA. After being questioned by police she was released without charge. We have the right to protest – and I cherish that.

However, it is with some irony that she chose to throw a dildo, which will of course become significantly cheaper under the TPPA. If I am not mistaken, the offending member thrown at the Honorable Member was a 6 inch ACME Dominator – a top of the range piece of equipment. Most people of course people can only afford a Mark 1, but I noted with interest and surprise that this was a Mark 2 (life like skin tone and testicular base); the creme de la creme of dongs.

Would I throw such an expensive object, an object designed to give someone so much pleasure, at a politician practiced in the art of taking pleasure away? There is a lovely dichotomy here, a perfect Yin and Yang conundrum. Personally, I think I may have chosen to throw my love beads instead, they are significantly cheaper, starting to fray and I can’t be bothered to clean them again.

I hear in Switzerland that every household has at least one firearm in the house. And obviously America has a significant number of weapons as well. In NZ, while some households may have a firearm for hunting, nearly every home has a least one sex toy. Statistics released last month reveal that per capita, NZ is the largest consumer of AA and AAA batteries in the world. In addition, my Son-in-law (who is a surgeon) has previously told me one of the biggest units they study at Med School is Extractions and Retractions, closely followed by the unit on Vibratory Injuries.

Of course this blog is a farce. It was inspired by John Key (our Prime Minister) and his response to the above incident. John believed that this incident reflected badly on NZ as a nation and as a people. John, please, lighten up. It’s okay. I would rather have a politician have something phallic thrown at them, than having them assassinated as happens in other countries.

So, John grab yourself some tissues and some vaseline. Pull down the blinds, turn the lights down low and throw on a DVD. Relax.

Kia Ora Roly



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