Oh dear Lord, what I wouldn’t do for another half an inch.
I can immediately imagine my female readers shaking their heads and smiling derisively – another insecure male!
But no, wait…, while I maybe insecure, I’m not greedy. I know many men would ask for so many more, but for me half an inch will be fine! You see all my adult life I have felt somewhat inadequate in the length department.
71.5 inches! C’mon does that seem fair? Half an inch short of the magical number 72.
Perhaps my mother was right, smoking behind the bike sheds at school did stunt my growth – after all my hair did go curly after eating biscuits and bread crusts. And, after years and years of eating weet bix I eventually did grow hairs on my chest (she didn’t warn me of the nasal, ear and shoulder hairs though).
Now, I’m no great pretender and I’m not an illusionist, so don’t buy me platform shoes for Christmas. You’ll get em thrown back at you quick smart. But often I imagine what an extra half inch could do. The jars and tins at the back of the top shelf of the pantry would have no chance of escaping. Now, my math could be incorrect but I’ve calculated that with an extra half inch of height my viewing range would be extended by nearly quarter of a mile.
Inadequacy is a terrible affliction, just look at the following table!
If I had an extra inch, I could honestly have one tick rather than 3 crosses. It’s not much to ask is it – a half inch – so close but so far.
I’m a muscular guy, broad of shoulder, thickset, barrel chested, short neck, all of which gives the illusion of squatness. So people are genuinely surprised that I’m actually 5 foot 11 and a half (6 foot just rolls off the tongue – doesn’t it).
I played rugby since the age of five – finally hanging up my boots aged forty when my body could no longer take the constant battering and bashing. The position I played was Prop and for those of you not sure what this means, have a look at these guys physiques – as I used to look like that (although way too many beers and burgers have now added splodgy bits to my frame).
I guess I’ve accepted I’ve stopped growing vertically, my hopes for a late growth spurt have all but disappeared. I can dream, prey and hope for another half inch of height all I want – but it ain’t never going to happen.
Although perhaps as I grow older, and gravity takes it toll and my body starts its slow retreat toward the ground, gravity might be kind and I will acquire another half inch somewhere else – now wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing – small blessings for small shortcomings indeed!
For those who are unsure of the beauty and power of props – check out this wonderful video clip – its very short, funny and enlightening.
Fat Bottom Props
Video & Screenshot Credit: The Crowd Goes Wild