Blogger Man and Comment Dog take on the Twisted Twitter Woman (PART ONE!)
I’ve always loved comics. I’ve always loved gangster and detective movies. So here’s a nod to these two loves. It’s a bit crazy, but I’m bored of work and I am actually quite crazy myself.
My clients call me Blogger Man. I run a small detective agency on the south side of Scum city.
I have a reputation of never turning away clients and always winning. Writers love me, publicists hate me – but I take that on the chin – it goes with the territory.
It was nearly midnight and I was working late.
I’d just busted a ring trafficking body parts and was tidying up the paperwork. I’d been working on the case for a month before I finally cracked it. Following my prime suspect, I eventually tracked down the missing parts to a big red warehouse down by the docks.
There will be many amputees sleeping a lot more soundly tonight – I can assure you!
My trusty partner and sidekick Comment Dog suddenly looked up and gave me a sideways glance. He always does that when he hears someone on the landing.
I could tell immediately from the clip clop of the heels that it was a dame. A classy one too judging by the tone of her soles touching the metallic plate on the bottom of the landing. Jimmy Choo’s, if my ears were correct.
From the moment she walked through the door, a saxophone started playing from the apartment above the office – Autumn Leaves by Acker Bilk. God, I love that tune.
‘How can I help? I asked.
‘Are you Blogger Man?’
I nodded my response, lent back, put my feet on the desk and started to light one of my finest Cubans.
Comment Dog looked at me in disgust and growled – he always does that when I smoke. He says the smoke gets into his hair and makes him smell worse.
A plume of smoke drifted up and I deliberately tried to blow it toward Comment Dog.
The Dame spoke.
‘I need your help but can’t afford to pay you’, she says.
‘Whatever it is, I’m sure we can come to some arrangement,’ I answered, noting her legs went all the way up to her hips.
She wore a Herve Leger bandage mini skirt with a sheer, red Valentino Button Down Top which just managed to cover up the parts I wished she hadn’t. No second prizes for guessing was on my mind.
How the hell didn’t she freeze, walking around with just a mini skirt and blouse?
‘Well my name is Evergreen McGuire and up until tonight I controlled all the banana’s coming into Scum City. The big banana’s little ones, even plantains. From India to Columbia, from Uganda to China, I controlled them all.
‘You said, up until tonight,’ I interrupted.
She looked at me, her dark brown eyes drilling into the core of me, her lips curled and pouted, bright red lipstick showcasing their appeal. She swept her auburn hair back over her shoulders with a subtle nonchalant wave of her wrist.
Comment Dog moved over to where she stood and started to sniff about. He always does that.
‘Down boy’, I barked, but he knew he wasn’t the one being commanded.
Acker Bilk was reaching a crescendo now and the boy blowing him sounded as though he needed to come up for air. I felt hot and sweaty. I loosened my tie further and wished I had left the fan on.
She broke her silence.
All the banana’s in the entire city have been stolen, even the spares I keep in my warehouse. All gone without a trace.
‘Sweet Jesus,’ I muttered as I inhaled. ‘That’s terrible.’
Banana’s were big business. This was a crime I had to solve.
‘Can you help me please?’ Pleaded a doleful Evergreen McGuire.
‘Damn straight I can,’ I answered. ‘I’m getting onto it right now. C’mon Comment Dog, lets go.’
- Will Blogger Man solve this fiendish crime or will he slip up?
- Will Comment Dog split and go out on his own?
- Is this a single heist or will there be a bunch of copy cat crimes?
- Which bent criminal mastermind is behind this heinous crime?
Stay tuned for the next exciting edition of Blogger Man!